News Stories

Ever wondered if a Rainbow is an alien spy's secret radio platform to its ship? Well, it's not. It is a distress signal from one of the Earth's most oppressed peoples to their kinfolk. Every color means something different which is why in some rainbows one color is featured more prominently than the rest. Ever wonder if the rainbow bows because its sender is bad at sending distress signals? Well, if so you are right. Ever wonder who could be sending the signal? No? Oh good you read the article already. I'm glad you also decided to read the description because it happens to describe nothing that is actually discussed in the article, but contains some good extra information. Plus it comes with this lovely picture you could have seen with the article. Is there even a point in describing these articles? Is there even a point to my job? Why do they even pay for a job so useless and unimportant as mine. I don't think that consumers even appretiate my work. I usually don't even mention that I, the official Ru's News label maker, am even writing these. I am convinced that it is possible that no one will ever know that because they'll never bother to read this and find out. I'd ask for a raise, but I know that I don't deserve one for doing nothing. I should just send off a rainbow with a huge purple band because my office is flooding with my own frustrated tears and I want to go home and eat a container of ice cream from Alaska before my house is overrun with cheese or the Earth is attacked by super-soldiers, Pluto, Mars, Neptune, Saturn, or any other planet. Then I could mourn the loss of my ignorance with confetti and a Thanksgiving feast without turkey. My life is the worst. At least I haven't read the Sports Column yet.